top 20 ways to monkey with telemarketers

I saw this on the mac homepage meant for Safari users (Apple) and thought I would share it with my readers. So here are the top 20 (well 16) ways to monkey with telemarketers.

Speak to the little lady of the house
We have a 5-year-old daughter who loves to talk. If I answer the phone and discover a telemarketer on the other end, I just quietly hand the phone to our daughter … and let the fun begin!

Give them the man of the house
When they ask for the man of the house, I ask them to hold; then I put my 2-year-old son on the phone.

Have I got a deal for you
Interrupt the telemarketer’s sales pitch and ask them if they would like to buy something from you (could be anything that you’re selling). That will usually get them to end the call.
Continued below

I do
Ask the telemarketer to marry you. Seriously, this will probably shock them and they won’t know what to say.

You have reached my voicemail
Say: “Hello.” (Wait on them to start talking.) “I’m sorry we can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Beep.”

Funny you called
“You know, I was just thinking about (doing, buying) just that very same thing. So, I said to myself, ‘Self, why don’t you just (do, buy) it and get over it.’ To my amazement, self replied with a loud, ‘GO FOR IT!’” (Keep talking to take control of the conversation, never letting the telemarketer speak so he or she can’t actually try to sell you anything.) “Well, me and myself will discuss it more and we’ll get back to you.”

From a country song
“I’d love to, but my wife just left me, she cut the tires on my truck, I had to bury my dog, and I only have half a Bud Light bottle left. I’m not worried about the rest, but if you start selling beer, give me a call.”

Have you planned for the future?
When I see “out of area” on the caller ID, I answer the phone with the name of a made-up insurance company. Then I try to sell the person life insurance. I’ll ask questions like, “What if something happened to you?” or “Are you sure your final needs can be met?” Usually, they end up hanging up on me.

Reply in gibberish
Answer the phone in a pretend foreign language.

She’s not … here
I have told people that the person they were asking for was hideously mangled in a train wreck. If they ask for my wife, I sometimes say that she recently left me, then tell the caller she sounds cute and ask her out.

And you are?
I’d love to hear more about why you are calling me, but I’m in the middle of dinner right now. Why don’t you give me your home number so I can call and irritate you in the middle of your meal?

Keep talking
Rather than find creative ways in which to hang up on telemarketers, I decided many years ago that I could provide a public service by keeping them on the phone for as long as possible. The longer they spend with me, the less time they have to call other people. Often, they’ll hang up on me before I can hang up on them!

What did I win?
Sometimes I’ll act as if the sales call is one to inform me that I’ve won a prize. I’ll exclaim, “I’ve never won anything in my life!” Then I’ll ask for details on when and how my prize will be sent to me. And no matter how many times it’s explained to me, I will never quite understand that I’ve won nothing and instead am being asked to buy something.

I’m already connected
If I’m being offered a loan or mortgage refinance, I’ll ask if it can “fly under the radar,” because I have a large loan at a very high interest rate from “family” who would become very upset if I obtained loans elsewhere. I’ll suggest that we meet somewhere discreet to discuss details.

Ever hear of women’s lib?
My wife is especially perturbed when they ask for the “Man of the House.” So she then starts talking in hushed tones and saying, “Oh, no sir. The Master isn’t here. He keeps me locked down here in the basement when he goes out, so I can’t check for him now.”

Phone flirting
I am big on the phone flirting. Use your best Joey voice from “Friends”: “How you doin?” or, “You sound really attractive. Do you call here often?”

How long do you have?
Say: “Sorry to interrupt you. I really want to talk to you, but can you hold on for a few minutes? I just need to finish up the call from the last telemarketer. He called me about an hour ago.”

What’s it worth?
“Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?”

Call the cult
“Sorry I can’t talk, I am about to cut off my tongue to achieve ultimate power.”

It’s good enough for Cuba
I always get them to scream, “Show me the money!” like in “Jerry Maguire.”

Did you enjoy it? If you did, or have some more, please leave a comment for everyone!

49 comments

  1. Mark Addington says:

    If they are just working than why are they so annoying. I say, get them for all its worth.

  2. Mark Addington says:

    Marks a telemarketer because he is a loser. what kind of idiot is a telemarketer. He obviously did not go to college.

  3. Flash¹³ says:

    I recently got a phonecall from telemarketing (infact, thats what got me looking on google for more ideas).. my conversation was short lived;

    ‘Are you considering have new windows install on your accomerdations sir?’
    ‘no’
    ‘Could I ask why not’
    ‘We’ve already got windows thank you’
    ‘Is there any other part of the house your considering improving?’
    ‘Nope’
    ‘No facsours? maybe a conseratory’
    ‘I might give it some fire treatment’
    ‘Fire?’
    ‘Yes, my house is serverly infested with zombies, fire’s the only thing to get rid of them.. BURN THEM WITH THE FIRE OF CHRIST BURN THEM, BURN THEM TO HELLLLLL *bzdddrrrrrrrrrr*’

    I had so much fun while doing it, I’m actually considering openly giving my number out to telesales people

  4. Greg the MastaOfPork says:

    man i hate when people say that you sould give telemarkers a break cause they are just doing their job, i work at walmart and people come in all the time and treat me other staff members like dirt, SO NO MERCY, STOOP TO THE LOWEST LEVEL, PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS, FIND THIER WEEKNESS AND EXPLOIT IT, THE MORE YOU MAKE THEM CRY THE BETTER

  5. Greg the MastaOfPork says:

    man i hate when people say that you sould give telemarkers a break cause they are just doing their job, i work at walmart and people come in all the time and treat me other staff members like dirt, SO NO MERCY, STOOP TO THE LOWEST LEVEL, PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS, FIND THIER WEEKNESS AND EXPLOIT IT, THE MORE YOU MAKE THEM CRY THE BETTER

  6. Bill says:

    Well I was just having sex with my girlfriend and now she’s mad as hell for me answering the phone, I need your number and address so we can meet
    I want you to take her place.

  7. Crissy says:

    Ok i was reading over all the comments and you know what i wanted to put my 2 cents in… ok first thing i am a telemarketer and well you know what we are all the same if it was your friend trying to get you to buy something from them you would listen rite>>> well maybe just maybe if u would at least list to what they are offering you it might just benefit you if they’re from a decent company!! And yeah like for real we are just doing our fucking job like you would do your job so come on and give us just a lil break..

    • James says:

      Well you are not my friend or anyones elses that you call. They know better than to interupt my dinner or other family time to sell me crap.

    • DaTimeTraveler says:

      I know this is coming in at…oh…eight years late. But seriously Crissy, that pained me to read.

      I hope future you (more appropriately, since I am in the future and you’ll likely never read this) has a better job. Oh, and better diction…and, spelling.

      Also; “And yeah like for real” should never be written anywhere in a comment where you are trying to be taken seriously. At least add commas in there.

      (Oh! And in the future, a black dude is president. lul)

  8. Krissy says:

    Stumbled upon this by accident. I have to say that I am guilty of being a telemarketer and have no plans of quitting my job. The other comments from telemarketers are unbelievably rude but I wanted to add my two cents to the conversation without cursing and swearing. First of all putting children on the phone, I dont have a problem with that kids are fun to talk to, brightens my day (and if you want your kids talking to strangers then that’s your business). Saying things to make me hang up isnt going to work I will never hang up no matter what, Ill answer and respond to everything you say. Speaking in gibberish is going to get you a call from our Spanish call center. And finally leave the phone off the hook while you go on with your life is the best break I can hope for. :D

  9. cdfd5 says:

    fb90b54c7ef3738244cf92b781edfbf0 03fb47276f3cb1b.

  10. trish says:

    just a question…are telemarketers legally required to send you a copy of their do not call
    policy if you ask for it?

  11. no name says:

    You are a cold person.

  12. Kayla says:

    I hate it when I get calls that ask me to ‘ Pleas hold your call is very important to us’ so I’ve come to hold for about two mins. or so then when they start talking I ask them if they can hold on and set the phone down by my speaker and play the ‘hold music’ and don’t pick up untill you hear that dead end on the end of your phone ^.^

  13. Frank says:

    I am a telemarketer. Let’s be honest here: no one chooses to be a telemarketer. You go through the list of help wanted ads, and you X out all the ads for jobs you have applied to. And on the very bottom, the very last job, is a telemarketing job. You swallow your pride, figuring that a job is a job. You need an income, ANY income. And then you sign into hell on earth. Rules of decency? They go out the window. If you call someone and you’re told that person is dead, you’re told that “It’s OK because the widow wants people to call, which is why she kept the phone in her husband’s name.” 20 years ago, you could make a living by presenting your pitch, and that was that. You didn’t waste your time on people who said no. You kept on calling as many people as you could, and sales were good. Now, there is a great resistance to telemarketers. You are told to give up only after three no’s. Telemarketing is now really teledebating. I can’t blame people for hating telemarketers. We telemarketers are fringe types, not really fit for better jobs. If you went to a telemarketing center, you’d see teenagers, grossly obese people, and other marginal white trash types. If sales are poor, it’s always the fault of the telmarketers. Never mind that everyone in the room can be having a bad sales day: apparently (according to the boss) we ALL decided to spontaneously slack off at the same time. My bosses have a cute little trick: we will be selling in one area, and doing well. Hmmm. That would mean really great commissions for sales. So they will switch us to another area for the rest of the day, so that our commissions don’t get too unwieldy. Sure, that tactic costs them money in less sales, but they also save on paying out commissions. The job is hell. Good sales today mean nothing the next day. You have to sell, sell, sell. People are not people: they are potential sales, and that’s that. Oh well. I realize this won’t change any minds. But do keep in mind that while getting a telemarketing call may be bad, the guy making the call is hurting a lot worse than you. About the most merciful thing to do is to hang up right away.

    • Problem? says:

      TL;DR.

      I get the jist. Telemarketers suck. We should de-humanize them while on the phone with them and continue messing with them in goofy, but not outright mean ways.

      I think I’ll continue to do just that! :DDD

  14. Nichole says:

    If your a telemarketer and you don’t like the comments then don’t read them their just there to make people laugh. Everyone has to laugh at themselves some time so lighten up!

  15. no name says:

    Pretend like you are going to buy the product, then gasp into the phone, make a deep voice say hang up the phone, beg for mercy, make the sound of a gun, scream, and hang up.

  16. no name says:

    When they ask for someone, say How could you remind me of his/her death?! Then everything they say(Henry Brown offers you-His name was Henry!)make a reference about the person.

  17. Anonymous says:

    After I remember that this person is just working, even though it is an irritating job at times, at least they are not out bombing someone, I ususally say yea let me get them and simply never come back to the phone.

  18. You really MUST listen to Tom Mabe’s “Revenge on the Telemarketers” cd. It’s genius stuff. I’ve never introduced anybody to it who hasn’t laughed so hard they cried.

    http://www.tommabe.com/

  19. nick says:

    fuck you ass hole. why do you hate telemarketers so much? I am a telemarketer and I dont sell BS. at least I work instead of eating up tax-payers dollars in well fare. Haven’t you ever bought anything from anyone? Was any of it free? fucking idiot

  20. Mark says:

    These are funny. They are meant to be funny. They are not meant as a threat to your livelihood or to hurt or deceive anyone. They are entertainment. I still have to add that Nick really lost control there and I have to reply to him rather than just delete his comment.
    Just because you work as a telemarketer does not make your methods correct. Telemarketers call unsolicited and are a nuisance. Most do not understand a “No” and are extremely persistent at calling back and never, ever take a number off their list when requested. I apologize that your fortunes force you to work as a telemarketer but I am glad that you (at least) get off your lazy ass and stop collecting the tax payer’s welfare dollars. However, the rest of your comments just dont make any sense. I have purchased items (of course) out of my own free will and have paid for them as needed (again, of course). I dont think the fact that I purchase items gives you the right to try to force them down my throat after repeated requests to refrain from doing so. You have a foul mouth, have no coherence of thought and are simply ludicrous. This blog automatically flagged your comment as trash and the next time you (or anyone else) makes such assenine and insulting statements, I will simply delete them.

  21. blah says:

    nick’s a dick
    all nick sells is his dick I should know
    he called me rtoday and tried to sell it to me cuz his dad left him for a human

  22. Dominique says:

    When a telamarketer phones, when they introduce where they are from, quickly cut them off and say “Hey man that was not mine” She told me to hold on to it for a second and I never saw her again, i didnt know what was inside so i just threw it on the floor. Then just keep going on and on like you are going to jail or something horrible. Eventually they will get frusterated and hang up.

  23. Jessica says:

    I\’ve worked for a place that did surveys over the phone. I actually had a lot of fun explaining to people that the do not call list doesn\’t apply to us because we\’re not selling anything. People get mad as hell. And honestly, people\’s tactics to either offend me or keep me on the phone and waste my time were great, I was paid by the hour, not commission, so if I was on hold or they were rambling, I could keep reading my book. But if you\’d really like people to stop calling I have some tips.
    1) Hear them out, say you\’re not interested, and THEN hang up. Most of the time the person calling you isn\’t allowed to take your number off a list unless you\’ve actually heard what they\’re calling for.
    2) If you can\’t wait a few seconds (this may or may not work, depending on the company calling you) then be as loud and obscene as possible. Where I worked if someone was totally irate they\’d just take you off the list so their employees didn\’t have to deal with you. Keep in mind though, that I was working for a survey company, and companies who a really trying to sell something might not really care if their employee is offended by your tirade (not that you\’d care I\’m sure, it just wouldn\’t stop them from calling you).
    3) It always made my day a little brighter when people did funny voices or something to try and throw me off… I advise doing this as much as possible.

  24. chelsea says:

    I\’m a telemarketer, and, now that I\’ve confessed that, I\’m on my way to a 12-step recovery program. But, seriously, some of you think your cute little tactics work to stop our calls. Um, no, they don\’t. If you hang up on us without hearing us out, you WILL get a call back. If you blow whistles, or lay the phone down, you WILL get a call back. If you tell us you\’re on the Do Not Call list, and, slam the receiver down, you WILL get a call back. Tee hee, I\’m a professional, and, I love the funny, stupid things people say to try to detour my sales pitch. I laugh with you, but, will have my say, because we are trained to go back to our point of interruption. Every once in a while, I actually get to talk to people who are very kind, not the type of jerks who are posting these tactics on message boards. Yes, it\’s an unthankful job, but, it pays the bills. What you don\’t know is that we are constantly being monitored, and, there are more people than you know listening to your foul language. In fact, the calls are heard on many levels, so, yes, they know who you are, and, where you live. Scary, isn\’t it?

    • blahlalalalapoop says:

      poop

    • make my day says:

      What good will knowing where I live do?Are you going to come smack my peepee and take my birthday away? My state has “make my day”laws so any threat at my house will be met with force. I’m glad you have supervisors thatloften to all the calls because that is just more waste of your company’s money. Remember, you are the one calling me so don’t get mad at anything I say when you can just hang up. It might be you just “doing your job,”but youare the one who chose the job and continues to stay there.

    • Problem? says:

      When did apostrophes become “\”?

      Thank god, you are only a telemarketer. I’d hate to see what your job would be like if you had to type or write everything.

  25. amanda says:

    Uh chelsea, ……who cares!!!! You called my house so don\’t act like the una bomber is going to come and take over my family in a hostage situation. I would like to have sympathy towards you telemarketers, but you just re-established why I disliked them..you shouldn\’t threaten people with the fact that you have their whole life history in front of your face on a computer screen. Good for you, oh and by the way, can I get your home number?

  26. al says:

    Luckily, I am a referral manager and when I call my potential customers they aren\’t rude to me or play games since I am calling on behalf of the person who referred them. I like my job because I make good money. To all you rude people out there: have a nice day :)

  27. tutti frutti, oh rutti says:

    This guy was pitching from the moment I picked up the phone. So, right in the middle of his pitch, I put the phone to my butt and farted right in his ear. When I replaced the phone to my ear, there was dead silence on the line. I said \”thank you\” and hung up.

    Poor little boy.

  28. Mike says:

    If it were the person calling up telemarketers and irritating them, that\’s one thing. However, it\’s the telemarketers cold-calling the individual.

    To make matters worse, if you try the pleasant \”I\’m not interested\” method of getting them off the line, it rarely works. (They often get all psychological on you, asking why you\’re not interested.)

    Since they are so difficult to get off the phone, I don\’t buy the whole \”but it\’s their job\” defense that other commenters wrote above. If a telemarketer\’s job is to irritate people by cold-calling them, it\’s fair game for the recipient of the call to irritate the telemarketer back.

  29. Michael says:

    I think some people are taking these jokes too seriously. I mean really, we don\’t want annoying phone calls from people who won\’t leave us alone, so we play some stupid jokes on them. Even if the caller doesn\’t hang up, it\’s just a joke. Get on with your lives people!

  30. Dan says:

    I have no respect for telemarketers. they suck at life. should\’ve went to college and done something real with their lives

  31. trystan says:

    Another way is to pretend like you have tourettes. Just keep cussing and saying random words its hilarious and they usually just hang up.

  32. nina says:

    Dan? You\’re an idiot. I went to college and can\’t find a job in my field, which is why I\’m talking to ingrates on the phone for hours at a time. I work, I pay the bills, and I don\’t bleed the system dry. It\’s a friggin\’ sales job, and it\’s something thousands of people have done before. Get over yourself.

  33. Alice says:

    Just a heads up, answering in French will get you a transfer to someone who speaks French xD Didn\’t think it would happen haha

  34. John says:

    I have no problem with telemarketers as long as they are calling people WHO WANT TO RECEIVE THEIR CALLS. I DO NOT; let me repeat that, I DO NOT. Unfortunately I have 2 business lines (which feed to my cell during the day) and telemarketer calls to business lines are not covered by the Do Not Call registry thanks to the impotent assholes in Washington who wrote the law. Because of this loophole I have to put up with half a dozen crap calls a day from people trying to sell me everything under the sun that I DON\’T NEED OR WANT. If I wanted them \”I\” would be the one intiating the call. If every telemarketer fell off the face of the planet the applause would be deafening. One of my best ploys was to give out a fake name as the owner/manager to a guy (this was about 7 or 8 years ago); now about half of them ask for \”George\” when they call which is a dead giveaway and let\’s me decide whether to hang up immediately or yank their chain.

  35. ce says:

    FCK you telemarketing SOBs… go to college and get a real job… let the Indians deal with the phones… scince im rich and retired, when they call me I have a recording I made, about 1hr long with me talking that I play… if my son were a telemarketer id kill him

  36. You might enjoy this collection of 38 recordings I made of myself monkeying with telemarketers…

    http://chris.com/telemarketing/

    …comments and critiques welcome. :-)

  37. Fufu says:

    Most of you are being completely biased about this whole thing. I know this is late, but sometimes it’s not a person’s fault that they can’t get a better job. Think about it from a different perspective and open your mind a bit. The results are absolutely amazing.

  38. MegaTroll says:

    Of course you can always use the Terminators reply to the landlord when asked about the dead cat…

  39. no name says:

    I’m a telemarketer and I use stuff like this to answer the phone all the time. its a joke I have a stressfull and job and I like a laugh. everyone does. bottom line is its a joke. When people do stupid stuff to me when I call i use it when I get called. ITS A JOKE. just chill.

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